But here I am, one year of not sharing it. And I'm no better off than I was a year ago...in fact, I'm worse. A lot can happen in a year. People come and go, find new jobs, get married, get divorced, move, win, lose, are forgotten, are remembered, learn, grow, fall in love, fall out of love, get sick, become cured, lose faith, gain faith, lose loved ones, grow with new little ones.
In one year, I feel like I have been stuck on a rat wheel....going in circles, getting nowhere. Trying to move forward, but always looking back. Trying to focus all my energy on positivity and hopelessly falling into despair. Praying for strength, and feeling crippled with anger.
For one year, we have been desperately trying to add to our beautiful family with a new baby. I have spent thousands of dollars on tests and cried hundreds of thousands of tears to find out I'm normal and still without a baby in my belly. I have seen (what seems like) hundreds of women become pregnant and have babies; Facebook friends, blogger friends, real-life friends, family all so easily celebrating the new gifts to their families. I have walked teenage girls through pregnancies, birth stories, nursing encouragement, sleeping problems, and held three newborn babies in my arms, only to hand them back to their 17-year-old moms. It has been a year of torture.
Most days I feel completely alone; like I am the only woman on the planet who has birthed a child and then cannot, for the life of her, do it again. Then I feel guilty. I'm a terrible person, a terrible mother for not focusing on the good, on the miracle that is my son. How amazingly blessed I am that this gorgeous perfect little being is mine. How dare I ask for more. Then I am angry. Angry, bitterly angry, at all the women who take for granted how easily they get pregnant. How perfect their "life plan" has worked out. How screwed up mine is. Then I am full of despair. Lost hope. Lost faith.
So now, I put it out into the world. ( At least whoever reads this silly blog). Somehow a weight is lifted. Maybe someone else who is suffering like me can feel the peace knowing she is not alone.
Life is hard. Really freaking hard. For some of us, harder than others. We are tested and tested....and tested again. I am blessed. I will say it again...I am blessed. God is good and only seeks to do good in me. When I am called to his gates, I will ask him why? And I hope he has a damn good answer. But for now, I will continue to live, to breathe, to pray for patience, and give thanks in all that is beautiful in my life. I would not trade holding those beautiful teenage girls' precious babies for anything. I would not hope for anything but happy healthy families for my friends and family. I would not wish for anyone's life but my own.
But I am human...I am fragile...I am broken...and sometimes, like this past year, life can just be downright hard.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
4 comments:
Nina, I pray for you regularly. I really do hope that putting this out there helps you. Even though others, including myself, think they might know exactly how you feel...nobody does. Nobody knows your personal struggle with this heartbreaking situation. It's so easy to know that we should trust God and his plan for us, but so hard to actually do it sometimes...especially after experiencing disappointment month after month. I want for the answers you seek to be made clear to you long before you get to ask in person. :) I wish I could say something to comfort you, but I know it is impossible...so, just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
My beloved, brave and beautiful cousin,
I am so proud of you & inspired by your honesty. I have recently been reminded how silly it is to "hide" from God because we can't & here you are, doing just what we should. He knows our heart, our sin & our desires. He knit us together & knows us intimately. I was also reminded that he already took our sin upon himself, all of them, for everyone. That knowledge frees us from shame & guilt & allows us the freedom to draw close to him, no matter how we feel. I don't have any answers but I know God IS working in your life & is with you in this. I'm also praying for you.
I pray, Lord Jesus, that your Holy Spirit would fill up Ninas entire being. That she would experience the peace only you can give. That she would be lovingly reminded that she is a part of a bigger story that you wrote & is currently playing out. Would you support her through the power of your word, through friends, family & the nature of your creativity. Bless her, Father, for her openess & allow her to see through your eyes. Please give her a spirit of renewed hope in you Jesus. Thank you for her existence & her presence in my life. I am blessed.
Amen.
I pray for you all the time. I know that God has a plan, but sometimes it is impossibly hard to understand that plan. This week, too, has been a test of my patience and faith. But I take comfort in knowing that people around me have somehow survived in the same circumstances. I hope that your honesty will lead you to discover others who also have somehow survived and triumphed in your circumstances. It's okay to be blessed and sad at the same time!!!!
Nina, thanks for choosing to share this pain. I also continue to pray with you and for you during this process. I love you...and He loves you. Keep giving thanks.
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